Top Ten Unexpected Revelations from the Final January 6 Hearing (Satirical)

Chuck Schumer's socks threatened to attack the Secret Service
Nancy Pelosi would be happy to go to jail
Velma is gay (oh shoot—that wasn't in the hearing, and we already knew that)
As with prior hearings, the women involved cried hysterically; this was in stark contrast to the bold men who pushed Trump's stolen election claim, as they very powerfully exhibited strength by repeatedly pleading the 5th
"Made in America" is two words
Trump signed a memo ordering the immediate withdrawal of all U.S. troops from whichever countries Putin wants us out of
Insert crass Jeffrey Dahmer joke here
The precogs had a vision of Herschel Walker proudly holding up a police badge that looked like he ordered it from a comic book; however, that must have been a minority report, because a candidate for Senate wouldn't do something that juvenile—right?
Pardon our French, but it recently came to light that some of the otherwise well behaved January 6 tourists left poo poo in the Capitol!
In the exciting finale, the Select Committee voted unanimously to issue the former president a participation trophy!!

Posted October 20, 2022

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Commentary

We're sad to see the January 6th Select Committee's hearings come to an end, as the hearings made for riveting TV. In the aftermath, we'll just have to do the best we can to fill the void with seasonal pumpkin spice donuts from Krispy Kreme.

Rest assured that never again will a congressional committee present so much quality evidence in such a compelling way without any interruptions from the minority party. (Yes, we expertly crafted this sentence to make it sound like it was Winston Churchill who said it.) Hold onto those memories because nothing like this will ever happen again. Selah.

Hmm, where were we? Ah yes, the final January 6th Select Committee hearing had several unexpected revelations, but since we're a humor website (not a news website) we're going to focus more on the unexpected revelations that we made up. For example, while Chuck Schumer sported a fanciful pair of socks in the behind-the-scenes documentary footage of congressional leadership on January 6th, his socks did not actually attack anyone (item 10). Note also that item 7 is intended to be humorous in an ironic way, as the women involved in prior hearings showed a great deal of bravery, maturity and poise (and there was no hysterical crying). So, in fact, did Nancy Pelosi and other members of congressional leadership in the documentary footage aired at the hearing. Meanwhile, Trump's gaggle of tough guys who pushed the stolen election hoax pleaded the 5th. Hopefully the li'l snowflakes will be trolled about that in every future news interview for as long as they all shall live.

Where were we? Ah yes, we snuck in a few items based on current events (items 8, 6, and 4) and included a reference to an amusing prop that was used in the recent Savannah, Georgia debate of Senate candidates (item 3). (This event occurred after the final January 6th hearing but it happened before we drafted this top ten list, so why not use it?) The whole prop scene reminds us of an old Beavis and Butthead episode (Citizen Butthead) where the school's leadership gives the boys a pass in the hope they won't come to school on the day President Clinton is scheduled to visit. Unable to think of anything else to do, the lads go to school anyway and show their pass around like it's a...well, er...like it's a sheriff's badge ordered from a comic book. Doh!

Loud socks