Top Ten Satirical Approaches Trump Used to Declassify the Files
- Implemented a standing order to declassify one file each time he received an eBay bid
- Waved his hand over the face of the waters and said "Let there be files"
- Injected the files with disinfectant
- Photographed the files and sent the pix to Putin for final declassification approval
- Marked each declassified box with a "D" using Rudy Giuliani's runny hair gel
- Held out his right hand and said "Go web!" (Whoops, that's how Spiderman tried to discover his web-shooting abilities)
- Requested that Kimberly Guilfoyle act out the "witch's brew" scene from Shakespeare's MacBeth ("Double, double toil and trouble...")—afterwards Guilfoyle offered lap dances all around, but only for loyal Trump supporters
- Based on advice from Dana Carvey, Trump wrote "NOT" on each declassified document with his handy dandy black sharpie
- Asked Hermione to perform the declassify spell ("Classius Minimis") on his behalf
- Ordered the files to be collected in the 45 room while he loudly sang "I did it my way"
Posted October 17, 2022; Written August 18, 2022
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