Top Ten Satirical Findings of the Arizona Election Audit

Nancy Pelosi is descended from Big Foot
Saguaro cactii are pollinated by polar bears
Photographic and chemical analysis shows that Cory Booker either (1) dived off the Hoover Dam or (2) peed in the water. Additional analysis is needed to determine which
Alas, falling debris from the uncontrolled reentry of the Chinese rocket has destroyed the definitive evidence that the election was stolen. Even so, the My Pillow guy has seen the evidence and confirms it was "spot on"
While very tasty, milk shakes from fast food restaurants contain pelican brains
The Navajo Nation led the January 6 attack on the Capitol
Great white sharks have been spotted in the Colorado River
Ultraviolet light analysis shows that about 40,000 Arizona ballots contain trace amounts of bamboo, rice, and sesame oil
George Soros and a group of gay liberal atheist Hollywood actors are behind the ransomware attack on the Colonial gas pipeline
The voting machines in Maricopa County have been infiltrated with millions of Brood X cicadas from Washington, D.C. (Fortunately, Sigourney Weaver has agreed to lead the world's defense against the creatures wearing only her underwear)

Posted October 17, 2022; Written April 21, 2021