Top Ten Satirical Impeachment Defenses

The House impeachment managers failed to say "Simon says" when they presented the article of impeachment, so the article is constitutionally invalid
The former president is alleged to have incited the insurrection when he was in Jets territory, so it's unfair to prosecute him now that he's back on Sharks turf
When he said "fight like hell," he meant "protest peacefully." There's no law against peaceful protest in the Unites States
The lawyers plan to argue that Chrissy's cause of death was a boating accident, so the beaches should remain open on the 4th of July
The former president didn't hit the batboy with the flagpole until after he'd touched home plate, so the run still counts
You better not find him guilty, because then we might change the card game to "52 pickup."
Our client would like to request a "do over." (Nancy Pelosi was offside.)
The cops who would be taking him into custody are from Philadelphia and Detroit, so any such arrest is disallowed
Mom, it was antifa that broke the window. When the whole thing happened, me and Eddie Haskall were singing hymns and reading scripture—otherwise we would have tried to stop it. Honest!
If the strait jacket doesn't fit, you must acquit. (Whoops—wrong trial.)

Posted October 17, 2022; Written February 8, 2021