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Top Ten Satirical Reasons Elon Musk's Buyout of Twitter May Not Go Through

  1. He's shocked—shocked!—to discover that there are spam bots on Twitter
  2. Pushback from SEC investigator who objected to being referred to as the Securities Excrement Commissioner
  3. He filled out the 13-D form in crayon
  4. The Twitter board didn't realize that the bid was for $44B of Muskcoin
  5. He's busy on a space mission with Ben Affleck, Diana Ross, and other wonderful people
  6. He just wants to exercise his first amendment right to free weed...er, speech
  7. During negotiations with the SEC, he told them they belong in the circus—right next to the dog-faced boy
  8. According to Dan Brown, the Tesla trunk logo is an upside down middle finger, which may be the key reason for the recent Tesla stock drop
  9. Absolutely favors free speech as long as it's not about him
  10. Was never really serious about wanting to own Twitter—viewed the M&A process as a fun way to make news, jerk people around, and waste one of his many extra $ billions

Posted October 17, 2022; Written May 19, 2022

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