Top Ten Satirical CDC Mask Guidelines

Fully vaccinated people don't need to wear masks or social distance indoors or outdoors
Fully vaccinated people must still wear a mask when watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
People who are not fully vaccinated must call out "unclean! unclean!" when they encounter a fully vaccinated person in a public location
Fully vaccinated people must not covet their neighbor's house, their neighbor's wife, nor anything that is their neighbors
Unvaccinated people must go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200
In order to support transparency in messaging related to areas where the evidence-base is not sufficiently strong or where there are real tradeoffs between theoretical benefits/risks of a course of action, a fully vaccinated person at the residence of a person whose vaccine status is unknown must remove his or her shoes before entering unless the square footage of the residence exceeds 4,000 square feet or all pets in the residence are at least 5 years old as measured in the relevant multiple for the pet (e.g., dog years)
Unvaccinated people may punch, kick, and shout racial epithets at any police officer who blocks their entry to the Capitol
Partially vaccinated people must not leave their homes except for critical activities, such as buying groceries, attending Black Lives Matter protests, or voting for Democrats
Fully vaccinated people must not horde gasoline or insist that any false thing is true
Fully vaccinated people must remove their masks when ordering spam

Posted October 17, 2022; Written May 14, 2021