klugness

Top Ten Strange Things about No Fans at Sporting Events

1. We never thought we'd say this, but we miss being able to buy a $7.50 hot dog during halftime
2. Unable to heckle the other team's fans
3. The simulated crowd noise at soccer matches was deemed too creepy, and so was replaced with the theme music from Jaws
4. Unable to fan the other team's heckles...um, if that's even a thing...sorry, I've been drinking
5. The home field advantage just isn't what it used to be
6. The "fake fan" placards they use in baseball seem like something you'd resort to after a devastating nuclear attack
7. Tailgating in the driveway just isn't the same as tailgating at the stadium
8. The only person available to heckle Lebron James is a young blonde Karen with excess makeup and a very foul mouth
9. It's quite the challenge to train the back yard squirrels to do the wave...sniff, hardly even seems worth it to try...take a break, Rocky
10. Due to face masks, it's no longer feasible to read the football coach's lips when he's calling plays (though, to be fair, it was also difficult before, when the coach would hold a Waffle House menu in front of his face)

Posted October 17, 2022; Written March 31, 2021