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Top Ten Imaginary TikTok Security Concerns

1. Jim Rockford keeps trying to talk his way past the security guard in the building lobby
2. Sneaking suspicion that the company may be behind the widespread voter fraud that President Trump recently cited
3. Jerry Falwell, Jr. keeps asking, "Can I watch?"
4. Sarah Cooper's lip-sync videos of President Trump seen as a threat to his ego (whoops, I mean a threat to national security)
5. Dr. Fauci keeps sneaking under the turnstiles of company headquarters and handing out masks
6. Heard the parent company is based in Thighland
7. Fear that China might (gasp) try to interfere in our elections
8. Senator Lindsey Graham recently rewrote the company's mission statement to be the opposite of what it originally said in 2016
9. Dancing lulls you into a false sense of safety—right before they invade
10. There really aren't any security concerns—President Trump just wants to change the company name to TicTac because he loooves tic tacs

Posted October 17, 2022; Written October 10, 2020