Top Ten Ways to Counteract Joe Biden's Dismal Debate Performance
- Appear as a contestant on Jeopardy and correctly answer questions about Shakespeare, Chemistry, and Instagram
- Throw out the first pitch at Wilmington Blue Rocks game (use AI to enhance performance as needed); wink and point finger at cute blonde sports commentator
- Bust a move at the White House's Juneteenth celebration (oh shoot—never mind)
- Hold rally with his supporters while wife Jill shoots T shirts out of a cannon; talk at length about sharks
- Skip naptime to drink whiskey with Charlie Sheen, then jump the fountains at Caesar's Palace on a dirtbike
- Diligently rehearse maintaining his facial appearance during lulls in the action—must not let mouth drop open
- Have sex with porn star, then brag about it instead of denying it
- Participate in roundtable discussion with Megan Thee Stallion, Timothée Chalamet, and Sydney Sweeney
- Toss a silver dollar in the air, say "Immunize this!", then shoot the coin out of the air with a pistol while giving Justice Samuel Alito the side eye
- Make a dramatic appearance at a Town Hall by riding in on a Harley wearing an outfit complete with aviator sunglasses, riding boots, and leather jacket—but no helmet
Posted July 3, 2024
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