Top Ten Satirical Unanswered Coronavirus Questions

If my pit bull gets the coronavirus, will he still be able to bark at people who trespass on my lawn?
If my girlfriend tests positive for the coronavirus, can I catch it from using her blow dryer when I'm spending the night at her apartment? (Her hair is blonde, and mine is black, if that's any help.)
My Aunt Minnie got coronavirus from her brother's tennis racket. Is it safe for me to go within 6 feet of the tennis racket?
Can a bra be used as a face mask? If so, do bigger cup sizes provide greater protection? (Hope so, because I have really big boobs.)
If my tuna salad gets contaminated with coronavirus, will it kill the virus if I leave it out in the sun all day?
I've heard that you will hear the phrase "You've got coronavirus" if you play "Stairway to Heaven" backwards. Is that true, and can I get coronavirus from playing the record backwards? And if so, would I also get it if I play it frontwards? (Hope not, because I'm a huge Zeppelin fan.)
My friend (whose boyfriend is from Afghanistan) says I shouldn't go to the mall on Halloween because of the risk of contracting coronavirus. How big is the risk? (I need some new sneakers.)
If coronavirus falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, will it make a sound?
Are coronavirus droplets flammable?
I think the gas tank in my Ford Focus may have been contaminated with coronavirus. Will my car still run? (I need to go buy some weed.)

Posted October 17, 2022; Written March 30, 2020