Top Ten Signs of Dysfunction in the Republican Party

Stymied by childproof cap on aspirin bottle
Current Republican playbook suggests quitting your current job before starting to look for a new one
The Senate has assigned Tommy Tuberville the task of solving the riddle about a man who needed to ferry a fox, a chicken, and corn across a river
House members can't decide whether to work on legislation, or knock on Nancy Pelosi's door and then run away
Tried to decide on a new speaker via a game of rock-paper-scissors, but Matt Gaetz insisted on playing erectile dysfunction drugs and energy drinks in lieu of rock, paper, or scissors
Republican strategists believe the ideal time to pull the hood release lever is while driving on the highway
The trouble-makers in the Freedom Caucus realize they can't get anything done without a speaker. And they saw that it was good
In a break from tradition, campaign strategists now believe it's best to close the barn door after the horse has left the barn
House members keep pushing on door that says "pull"; but not to worry—they plan to blame the frustrating outcome on Joe Biden and the Democrats
A House member from northwest Georgia plans to introduce a bill to change the name of the Freedom Caucus to the Kayaus Caucus, but the bill will likely fail because members can't agree on the correct spelling of chaos

Posted October 15, 2023

Commentary

It seemed a bit strange for the House Republicans to remove Kevin McCarthy as speaker without having a plan as to who would replace him. But realistically only a small percentage of the Republicans in the House of Representatives voted on October 3 to removed McCarthy as speaker, and they're part of the wacky wing that doesn't really care whether it's sensible.

Since the lack of focus on governing is an embarrassment for the Republicans, some observers speculated that they'd agree on a new speaker quickly to avoid any further egg on their faces. However, the MAGA folks who favor Jim Jordan may be underestimating the degree to which the other Republicans can be obstructionist jerks too.

In fact, we wouldn't be surprised if moderate Republicans refuse to vote for Jim Jordan (or whoever else Matt Gaetz wants) even if it means the speakership remains vacant for the foreseeable future. Why should we stand around and give the creepy trouble-maker a victory, they wonder? Wouldn't that just be encouraging bad behavior?

Hmm, where were we? Ah yes, we're making light of the dysfunction among House Republicans by making up 10 wacky examples of dysfunction in this funny top ten list. A few of the jokes appeal to the idea of taking action before having a plan (items 9, 5, and 3). We also snuck in an item (Item 8) about a Republican Senator (and former college football coach) who we view as dysfunctional (and not terribly bright) even though the main focus of the funny top ten list is on Republicans in the House of Representatives. In Item 4 we channel some energy from Chapter 1 of Genesis.

Rock paper scissors