Top Ten Lesser Known Provisions of the Presidential Records Act (Satirical)

Top Ten Lesser Known Provisions of the Presidential Records Act

I'm allowed to drive a car while blindfolded
I can challenge Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to an arm-wrestling match by just thinking about it
The Presidential Records Act permits me to grab women by the private parts, but only if Melania isn't in the room
I have the absolute right to run with scissors
I can declare "Food for everyone!" in a crowded Miami restaurant and then leave without paying
The Presidential Records Act gives me the absolute right to take a selfie with a bison
I'm not required to carefully protect sensitive military documents, but Shaquille O'Neal's sneakers must be treated with the utmost care and respect
I alone can mix ammonia and bleach, and there's nothing Joe Biden's justice department can do to stop me!
If I'm accused of doing anything criminal, dad will use his money and influence to help me avoid the consequences. Right, dad? Dad?
I have the absolute right to stick a fork in an electrical outlet

Posted June 17, 2023

Commentary

This funny top ten list is our second effort to elicit humor from the rather bland Presidential Records Act.

Our first effort was last week's Top Ten Phony Provisions of the Presidential Records Act (posted June 8, 2023), where we presented various Trumpy thoughts (e.g., he can take home any files he wants, Biden should be impeached, etc.) in a quasi-legal style that made the items seem like provisions of the actual legislation. As if!

We certainly had fun with that—including the really cool photo of a well-done steak with ketchup—but now we've decided to focus on the theme that Trump's indictment could have been avoided if he'd just timely given back all the sensitive files. So, we've extrapolated from Trump's ill-advised activity—taking and keeping sensitive files—to other unwise activities (items 10, 7, 5, 3, and 1). As you can imagine, we allege likewise that these other reckless activities are expressly permitted by the Presidential Records Act. Ha! When it rains, it pours!

We also shoehorned in the theme that Trump (despite being 77 years old) is a rich kid whose wealthy parents have consistently ensured that he never has to face consequences, so item 2 features the pretense that DJT is still a spoiled youth, his dad is still living, and Fred Trump is soon going to intervene to make the pesky legal issue go away. To borrow a classic parent phrase: We'll see.

Hand holding fork near electrical outlet