Top Ten Embarrassing Texts from Tucker Carlson (Satirical)

btw u can say outrageous things and make them seem reasonable IF ur wearing a bow tie
sure, I had 3M viewers per night, but tbh I've never really gotten over being the 1st person cut from "Dancing with the Stars"
M&Ms have been going downhill ever since they introduced the brown one in 2012
my favorite betw oreilly and beck? imho I'd have to say myself of course! pfuah hahahaha
omg sometimes late at night I place prank phone calls to Kirsten Gillibrand—but it doesn't mean I think she's hot, bc she's NOT
what were U fired for, being black or being gay? lol, dkdc
idk what is the big deal with the c word
hope this isn't tmi, but when I'm home alone I listen to ABBA and prance around the house wearing only a bow tie
yeah, the movie industry has offered me big $ for the rights to use my crazy laugh in horror movies, but it's MY laugh and it's not for sale—pfuah hahahaha
artificial intelligence software is a cwot. every time I instruct it to generate a picture of me, it always returns a picture of a monster

Posted May 5, 2023

Commentary

This funny top ten list speculates about text messages from Tucker Carlson that could be embarrassing if they were made public. The catch is that they're all fake—we made them all up—and to top off the chicanery most of the items don't even sound like things Tucker would say in the first place. Go figure!

Sure, we could've made up things that sound like what he'd really say, but then those probably wouldn't be funny. Plus, we thought it would be fun to exploit topics that could be embarrassing for him as a representative of conservative media, such as being secretly fascinated with a progressive Democrat (item 6). This joke brings back memories of one of Melania's speeches, where the embarrassing thing wasn't that part of her speech was plagiarized, but that it had been plagiarized from Michelle Obama. Doh!

Item 3 is a riff on how awkward it would be if the man who's obsessed with masculinity were secretly prancing around the house like a dancing queen (item 3). Overall, the items exude a degree of silliness and immaturity that probably aren't present in Tucker Carlson but sometimes that's what happens when you make stuff up.

Incidentally, in our first draft of this funny top ten list, all the texts sounded professional, but then we realized that people generally tend to be far more casual when writing texts. So we decided it would be more fun to pepper the list with abbreviations often used in texts, without regard to whether Carlson actually does that or not (dkdc). Enjoy!