Top Ten Things in Ted Cruz's Beard

Top Ten Things in Ted Cruz's Beard—Part 6

limburger cheese
Harry Potter's first-year potions textbook
Billy Bob Thornton
a pack of Yellowstone wolves
Abraham Lincoln's reading glasses
poison oak
a scrap of paper with Hermione's phone number
an Amish farmer from the 1800s
sargassum
a blank sheet of paper with the heading "List of All My Friends"

Posted March 21, 2023

Commentary

Ted Cruz's beard is the comedy gift that keeps on giving. But all good things must come to an end, and we've now reached the final installment in our series of funny top ten lists about what may be hidden in Ted Cruz's beard.

This sixth and final top ten list of things in Ted Cruz's beard contains still more speculation about what may be stashed away in that heterogenous jungle of gray and black hairs. Underlying the speculation is a vague sense that the beard is scary, rather than any logical rationale.

We dedicate this series to the memory of MAD magazine. It's now a shadow of its former self, but in a parallel universe we believe this could have been a Mad centerfold with a large drawing of Ted Cruz's beard and a bunch of commentary and arrows pointing out what's hiding in there.

Hermione's handwritten phone number on napkin

Blank sheet of paper with title "List of All My Friends"