Top Ten Satirical High School Accomplishments of Elon Musk

Instituted a new $8/month student fee to ride in the self-driving golf carts
Designed a computer program that would print money and, years later, destroy it
Scared away the monster by playing "Running Up That Hill" (oh shoot—that was from Stranger Things)
After the school's homecoming victory, opened the gate to allow a group of hell raisers onto the field; he then announced to the game's sponsors that he would not allow the field to become a free-for-all hellscape
Traveled to Mars on a flying bicycle (daggumit—that was from E.T.)
Paid top dollar for Oprah Winfrey's company, then fired Oprah immediately after the deal closed
Posted a notice to the school bulletin board that he would be moving the science club from California to Texas; then, in order to make California jealous, he posted on the school bulletin board a photo of himself holding hands with Texas
Programmed a baby name generator but was unable to find any buyers for the software
Posted a notice on the rival school's bulletin board with instructions for how to defeat Elon's school in the big game
Built a fully functional automobile using only a toaster and a jar of pine resin

Posted November 9, 2022