Top Ten Satirical High School Accomplishments of Elon Musk—Part 1
- Using only Tupperware containers, chopsticks, and hydroxychloroquine, Elon built a rocket capable of achieving orbit
- Sold a software company for big bucks and used half of the proceeds to buy out Pets.com
- Invited Pink to prom / Competed in a mud-wrestling match with Valerie Bertinelli and Stephen King (tie)
- Posted a notice on the school bulletin board that he'd arranged funding to buy out the school's mainframe computer
- Ignored the school principal (S.E. Seay) when she asked Elon to stop posting false or misleading items on the school bulletin board
- Built a communicator using a record player, a buzzsaw blade, a fork, a knife, a coat hanger, an umbrella, etc. (oh shoot—never mind, that's from E.T.)
- Discovered a new physics particle and named it the "420 particle"; afterwards, he chuckled about his clever joke with Beavis and Butthead
- Grew potatoes on Mars using the other crewmembers' dukey (oh shoot—that was from The Martian)
- Constructed the death star from Star Wars using only electrical wiring, spackle, a lithium-ion battery, and strawberry pop tarts
- Rewrote the pledge of allegiance to replace "the flag" with "the Musk"
Posted November 7, 2022
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