Top Ten Satirical Approaches Trump Used to Declassify the Files

Implemented a standing order to declassify one file each time he received an eBay bid
Waved his hand over the face of the waters and said "Let there be files"
Injected the files with disinfectant
Photographed the files and sent the pix to Putin for final declassification approval
Marked each declassified box with a "D" using Rudy Giuliani's runny hair gel
Held out his right hand and said "Go web!" (Whoops, that's how Spiderman tried to discover his web-shooting abilities)
Requested that Kimberly Guilfoyle act out the "witch's brew" scene from Shakespeare's MacBeth ("Double, double toil and trouble...")—afterwards Guilfoyle offered lap dances all around, but only for loyal Trump supporters
Based on advice from Dana Carvey, Trump wrote "NOT" on each declassified document with his handy dandy black sharpie
Asked Hermione to perform the declassify spell ("Classius Minimis") on his behalf
Ordered the files to be collected in the 45 room while he loudly sang "I did it my way"

Posted October 17, 2022; Written August 18, 2022

Commentary

News reports regarding whether President Trump had declassified the classified files that were recently seized at Mar-a-Lago have generally focused on the president's broad authority to do so, but also the apparent lack of a paper trail supporting the process.

To fill the information void, we decided to speculate about what type of innovative approaches President Trump may have taken to declassify the files. Most of our ideas involve whimsical activities to perform the declassification, along with a couple of items involving labeling the files (items 6 and 3), a couple of concerns about what he may have intended to do with the files (items 10 and 7), as well as a flashback to an embarrassing episode from 2020 (item 8). Ha!

We hope you enjoy this funny top ten list of satirical steps President Trump may have taken to declassify the files.