Top Ten Donald Trump Negotiation Strategies (Satirical)

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Top Ten Donald Trump Negotiation Strategies

Change the location of the meeting at the last second
Put his adversary on the defensive by hiring a squad of attractive women to drop rose petals at the adversary's feet
Lower his voice to create a position of power
Respond "Correctamundo" to each of the other side's proposals
Strategically assume the upper hand by waiting for Darryl—whoops, I mean his adversary—to speak first
As an ice breaker, ask his adversary to help brainstorm a new logo for Cracker Barrel
Leave the room unexpectedly during the negotiations
Assume the upper hand by crushing his adversary's hand during the handshake—only to realize afterwards that his adversary is better at that than him!
Initially insist on a cease fire but then give in ("okay, okay") when his adversary tickles him
In each negotiation scenario, ponder the question "What would Ronald Reagan do?"—but then do the exact opposite

Posted September 9, 2025

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This image of "two men in suits negotiating in a room" was created by Klugmeister using artificial intelligence software. The image was reviewed by Klugmeister before posting on this web page.

Commentary

We began brainstorming this topic almost a month ago (around the same time as the August 15, 2025 summit with Putin in Alaska) but it took a while for the ideas to percolate. We found that several of the satirical items we contemplated—such as trading Alaska to Putin in return for letting Trump sit at the cool kid's table during lunch—were more sad than funny.

So...we attempted to increase the humor quotient by mixing in some plot elements from an old episode of The Office—implicitly assuming, of course, that all of our readers have seen the comedy program, which last aired over 12 years ago—lol. The particular episode (The Negotiation, Season 3, Episode 19) is best known as the episode where Roy tries to attack Jim, who is then rescued from danger when Dwight suddenly douses Roy with pepper spray.

As it happens, that episode also includes a plot arc where Darryl Philbin from the warehouse asks Scranton office manager Michael Scott for a raise. In response, Michael makes use of questionable negotiation tactics that he supposedly got from wikipedia to get the upper hand in the negotiations with Darryl.

So...we decided to spoof the lame-o strategies by listing out a few samples as if they were actual Donald Trump negotiation strategies (see items 10, 8, 6, and 4). Sure, maybe we didn't come up with these ideas ourselves, but it did require some creativity to dream up the nutty idea to mix them in amongst satirical Trump strategies. Thus, in true Donald Trump style, we assign ourselves an A+ for our work. Besides, in the end, the borrowed ideas are all rendered ok if you chuckled when you read those items.

Well...did you?

Other items in the top ten list appeal to Trump's "Putin fanboy" status (item 9), an old "Happy Days" reference (item 7), a riff on a current news item (item 5), and a made-up explanation of the bruise on Trump's hand (item 3). Items 2 and 1 are supposed to be funny but are really more sad than funny.

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The U.S. website www.klugness.com was launched in October 2022 with over 100 funny top ten lists, and has since increased that number to over 200. The klugness site doesn't include jokes in the traditional sense, but is dedicated to humor using a David Letterman-style top ten list format. A portion of the content focuses on American politics, with the site generally leaning left, while the rest is garden-variety humor ala MAD magazine. We hope you enjoy the site!

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This home page shows the most recent top ten list. Please check out the full archive of funny top ten lists on klugness.com at All Top Ten Lists. Note these lists were created up to six years ago, even though the klugness site itself is two years old (we'll be free years old on October 17). The archive page also includes a "List Sampler" table of 18 selected funny top ten lists that will give you a sense of our content without having to tackle all 200+ funny top ten lists. Beneath the "List Sampler" is information about the pictures we've been adding to the site since the beginning of 2023. The pictures are generated using a combination of artificial intelligence and traditional means.

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In the Imagining Things blog, we've posted the third (and final) installment in a series of three blog posts about our eccentric webmaster's first motorcycle. This third blog post covers The Death of Klugmeister's Red Motorcycle. In this post, our webmaster describes an attempted trip to Key West that didn't work out so well. As he mulled this story lately, Klugmeister has been getting nostalgic about his li'l red Honda Rebel 250—though that's not the bike in the accompanying image, which was generated by AI. In other heartwarming news, our webmaster is continuing to make an effort to post new material to the Imagining Things blog on a more consistent basis.

Getting back to the funny top ten lists, we offer a couple of targeted subsets that focus on particular themes. For example, the Trump-Themed Lists are critical of former President Trump, so you won't like them if you're a Trump aficionado.

Another theme is the clever May 2020 Now vs. Then series, which consists of 10 funny top ten lists that compare and contrast the initial coronavirus times to historical times in an amusing way (e.g., "stay at home" vs. "rock and roll all nite"). That early pandemic theme was created in 2000, but it feels sooo ancient! Based on viewership of these pages, it appears that most folks are loathe to revisit that challenging period, and we don't blame you!

Note that the themed lists are also included on the All Top Ten Lists archive (i.e., the themed lists are a subset of the full archive), so if you looked at the full archive, you won't find any new material on the themed lists. This handy bit of intell could free up more time for you to gaze at your phone, throw garbage out a White House window, or rename the Department of Defense after Vladimir Putin.

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